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THE 
CONQUEST OF HELEN 

A Comedy in One Act 



By RALPH W. TAG 

Author of Transaction in Stocks, Handy Solomon, etc. 



Copyright 1916 by Dick & Fitzgerald 



NEW YORK 

DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 ANN STREET 



4 tr> 



<&A* 



THE CONQUEST OF HELEN 



CHARACTERS 

Miss Helen Sutherland __ A temperamental concert singer 

Dick Carroll From the V/est 

Chick O'Connor. _ A sporty young man with a heart of gold 

Mr. Smith The manager of the hotel 

Bridget Murphy A maid 

Time.— The present. Locality. — New York City. 

Time of Playing. — About one hour. 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Helen.^-A pretty morning dress of the latest fashion. 
Dick. — First entrance, a dressing gown thrown over suit, 
bath slippers. Second entrance, conventional business suit, 
Chick. — Checked suit, soft collar, "loud" tie, cap. 
Bridget. — Conventional maid's costume. 
Mr. Smith. — Conventional business suit. 



INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES 

Copy of a will for Helen. Money and engagement ring 
for* DfcK. Large roll of money and watch chain for Chick. 
Breakfast tray and letters for Bridget. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audience, 
r. means right hand; l., left hand; d. c, door at canter; 
d. r., door at right; d. l., door at left; up, meaiays toward 
back of stage; down, toward footlights. 



SEP 12 1916 ^ GLD 448? 



» ffi- 



THE CONQUEST OF HELEN 



SCENE. — A handsomely appointed room of Miss Suther- 
land's suite in the Hotel Craddock. Morning. Doors 
center, down r. and up l. Key in d. c. Piano and 
music cabinet (if possible) up l. Settee down r. Small 
writing desk and table down l. Easy chairs, statuary, 
rich curtains and ornaments. Luxury should be the key- 
note of the setting. As curtain rises a knock is heard d. c. 
There is no answer, and the knock is repeated. 

Helen (off l.). Who is it? 

Bridget (off c). It's only me, ma'am. 

ENTER d. l., Helen, goes to d. c, turns key and opens it. 

Helen. Good morning, Bridget. 

ENTER d. c, Bridget. 

Bridget. Good mornin', ma'am. Here's your mail, 
ma'am. (Hands letters to Helen who takes them and goes 
to desk down l. and is busy opening them) I didn't see ye 
down to the dinin' room, ma'am, and sure I was after 
whonderin' if it's sick ye are, so I brought up the mail. 

Helen. You're a perfect jewel Bridget; I don't know 
what I should ever do without you. ; , 

Bridget. And would you be likin' your breakfast up 
here this mornin', ma'am? 

Helen. Yes, I would like to have breakfast served up 
here this morning. I don't feel equal to that dining-room. 

Bridget. Then ye are sick? 

Helen. No, not sick, but worried and nervous. 

Bridget. Worrit is it ye are? Well that's too bad 
now. Sure, it's lonely ye must be with Miss Colby away, 
ma'am. (Jerks thumb toward d. r.) 
3 



4 The Conquest of Helen 

Helen. Yes, it is too bad that Marie had to go now of 
all times; I do so need someone in whom I can confide. 

Bridget. Well, beggin' your pardon, ma'am, but if I 
can be of any service now I 

Helen. Oh thank you, Bridget, I think not. 

Bridget. Of course if it be real personal I ain't the one 
to be meddlin'. (She dusts and tidies room during the follow- 
ing scene) 

Helen (to herself). Oh I've just got to tell someone. 
(To Bridget) Bridget, if I tell you something will you 
promise me not to tell any of the other servants? 

Bridget. I will that, ma'am. Sure, I ain't on shpakin' 
terrums with a one on this floor. They be a common lot of 
Dagoes and Dutch and such. 

Helen. Oh Bridget, I'm in dreadful trouble. 

Bridget. Sure don't be after frettin' your pretty head 
about it and it'll all come out foine, whatever it is. 

Helen. I wish I were half the optimist you are, Brid- 
get, but this is serious, deadly serious. 

Bridget (interested). You don't say. 

Helen. A man I've never seen before is coming here 
today — and he wants to marry me. 

Bridget. And you call that trouble! Sure I never 
heard of such luck. 

Helen. But you don't understand. 

Bridget. Did he send his picture? 

Helen. Oh it isn't that kind of a scheme at all. Listen, 
I'll tell you all about it. I had an eccentric old uncle who 
lived out West and he had oodles and oodles of money. 
He liked me very much when I was younger but when I 
began my vocal studies he turned against me. He didn't 
like, the idea of a professional singer in the family. 

Bridget. I know how it is, ma'am, he didn't have the 
eaf'for it. 

Helen. Oh no, it wasn't that. You see he was old 
fashioned and especially so in his ideas about women. He 
thought I ought to put on my best gown and sit in the 
front parlor till I caught the eye of some eligible young 
man, and marry him. He thought a girl should be married 
at twenty. 

Bridget. So do I — if she can do it. 



The Conquest of Helen 5 

Helen. He thought it scandalous that I should display 
enough spirit to want to earn my own living. He couldn't 
understand the joy I feel in being entirely independent of 
anyone. 

Bridget. Of course not, ma'am. 

Helen. After my success came, our correspondence, 
dwindled down to almost nothing. Whenever he did write 
it was to urge me to give up my career and settle down to a 
humdrum existence. Of course I wouldn't hear of it. 

Bridget. Certainly not, ma'am. 

Helen. Well, yesterday I got word that the poor old 
gentleman had died. 

Bridget. Ain't that too bad now. 

Helen. The lawyers sent me a copy of the will and that 
is the root of all the evil. He left half of his estate to me 
and half to the son of an old friend on the condition that 
we marry within three months. 

Bridget. Well, ain't that romantic loike! Sure I'm 
after readin' a shtory jist like that. "More than Riches" 
was the name. 

Helen. Yes, it would be fine in a novel, but in real 
life I fear it's not going to be so alluring. 

Bridget. Oh, I see, there is somebody else. 

Helen. No, there is no one else. I have never been in 
love — except with my art, but you haven't heard all. 
(Opens will and taps it with finger) There is a clause in this 
will which says that in the event of this man indulging in 
gambling of any sort he is to forfeit his share of the estate. 
Don't you see, he is some wild fellow who has led a wild 
and festive career and they are marrying him off to me, to 
reform him. 

Bridget. He ain't too old now, is he? 

Helen. Oh no, I believe he is quite young, but I will 
not marry any man to reform him. Besides, it would mean 
that I would have to give up my singing and I refuse to do 
that. 

Bridget. Sure, if gamblin' is his only fault it's a foine 
young man he is, I'm athinkin'. Why don't you wait till 
you see him? 

Helen. But what of my career? I must have some 
means of expressing my temperament you know. 



6 The Conquest of Helen 

Bridget. You'll excuse me for sayin' it, ma'am, but do 
you call them dago songs you sing expressin' yourself? 

Helen. Certainly. 

Bridget. Well then, I can't understand a word of 'em. 
It ain't for me to be tellin' you, ma'am, but it shtrikes me 
that a woman as gits married and brings up her children to 
be a credit to herself and the country is doing all the 
expressin' any woman ought to do. 

Helen. Bridget, you've been going to Anti-Suffragette 
meetings! 

Bridget. No I ain't, ma'am. But there was me own 
mother now. Look how she expressed herself. 

Helen. You mean she was an artist? 

Bridget. Indade not, ma'am; she was a washerwoman 
afore she got married. 

Helen. Well then, how did she express her artistic 
temperament? 

Bridget (proudly). Well, here I be ma'am. 

Helen (laughing). Oh I see. Well, perhaps you are 
right. At any rate I shall not argue the point with you. 

Bridget. But what are you goin' to do about him 
ma'am? 

Helen. I'm sure I don't know and that's just what 
worries me. I suppose I shall have to refuse to see him — 
for the present at least. 

Bridget. But you ought to give him a chance ma'am. 
Think of the money. 

Helen. I don't need money. Miss Colby and myself 
are very comfortable here. We have our own car and 
everything that money can buy so why should I want 
money? Besides, it is lots of fun to know that you earn all 
your own money. 

Bridget. But you'll be gettin' old ma'am some far day 
and then like as not you won't be able to sing loike you can 
now. 

Helen. Oh let the future take care of itself. It's too 
far off to worry me. Bring me some breakfast now; per- 
haps I shall feel better after I have had a bite to eat. 
(Yawns) I hardly slept a wink last night worrying over 
this. 

Bridget (she has worked r.). You poor darlint. I'll be 



The Conquest of Helen 7 

gettin' your breakfast right away. (Starts toward d. r.) 
I'll be lettin' some air in Miss Colby's room first. 

Helen (quickly). You needn't bother Bridget. Miss 
Colby won't be back for a week at least. (Bridget puts 
her hand on door knob, opens door a few inches and looks in. 
She gives a little scream and slams door shut) Mercy, what 
is it? 

Bridget (breathing hard). Must have been a mouse 
ma'am. 

Helen (alarmed). A mouse! 

Bridget. Yes ma'am, I see how it is ma'am. Sure I 
don't blame ye wan bit. 

Helen. Don't blame me; what do you mean? 

Bridget. It's all right ma'am, I won't say a word; not a 
word ma'am. 

Helen. Well I hope you won't. You promised you 
know. 

Bridget. No ma'am — that is, I mean yes ma'am. Sure 
you have the right to pick your own ma'am. 

Helen. What are you talking about? 

Bridget. But I'd explain how it was to the manager 
ma'am. He won't like it if ye don't. 

Helen. Come here and explain yourself. Why you're 
almost hysterical! 

Bridget. Yes ma'am, I'll be bringin' your breakfast 
right away ma'am. (Pauses at door) I suppose you'll be 
after havin' a big appetite this mornin'. 

Helen. Why no, on the contrary, I shall want very 
little. Is there anything wrong with you Bridget? You're 
not subject to fits, are you? 

Bridget. Sure I don't know ma'am. I'll be going now. 

[EXIT quickly, d. c. 

Helen. Now what on earth can be the matter with that 
girl. She is generally so sensible I can't understand it. 
Well I suppose we all have our little spells, (d. r. opens 
slowly and Dick Carroll puts his head in) 

Dick. Are you the maid? (Helen utters a long shrill 
scream and runs to the other side of the room) Gee whiz, turn 
off that noon whistle; I'm not going to bite you. (comes 
down) 

Helen. Who — who are you? 



8 The Conquest of Helen 

Dick. Who are you? 

Helen. What are you doing in here? 

Dick. What are you doing in here? 

Helen. But — but — Oh who are you? 

Dick. You haven't answered my question yet. Are you 
the maid? 

Helen. Of course not! 

Dick. Whew! Say, what kind of a 

Helen. These are my rooms sir, explain your presence 
here. 

Dick. Hold on! Your rooms? Why these are my 
rooms. 

Helen. They're mine I tell you. 

Dick. And I say they're mine. I arrived here last 
night and was shown up here. 

Helen. Oh but don't you see they've made a mistake. 
I've been living in this suite with a girl friend for the last 
six months. 

Dick. Well what do you know about that. Gee it's 
rich. {Laughs) 

Helen. I noticed a new bell-boy yesterday and I'm 
sure it was he who made the blunder. (Sharply) What are 
you laughing at? 

Dick. Oh excuse me. I guess you're right about the 
bell-hop, he did seem green. Never waited for a tip. 

Helen. Well, you must go at once before anyone sees 
you. 

Dick. Of course, of course. But you'll give me time to 
finish dressing I hope. 

Helen. Oh now I see what was the matter with Brid- 
get. She has seen you already. 

Dick. You mean the maid? 

Helen. Yes, and I'm sure she will never be able to 
keep it to herself. She was just bursting with excite- 
ment when she left here. Oh what shall I do, what shall 
I do! 

Dick. Oh I say, don't take it like that. I'll clear out of 
here in no time and no one need be any the wiser. As for 
the maid, why I'll stuff a nice new five dollar bill into her 
mouth and that will stop it, never fear. 

Helen. Yes, if she hasn't already told half the hotel. 



The Conquest of Helen 9 

Just think what this would mean to me if it ever gets out. 
I'm Helen Sutherland, you know. 

Dick. Oh how do you do. I'm very glad to make your 
acquaintance. 

Helen. Haven't you ever heard of me? 

Dick. Why yes — er — let's see; you're a suffragette or 
something, aren't you? 

Helen (coldly). No! 

Dick. Well then, what are you? 

Helen. I'm a soprano and I 

Dick. Oh yes, sure I've heard of you. 

Helen. And you can see what this will mean if the 
papers get it. 

Dick (sarcastically). I'll bet you would crowd the 
election right off the first page. 

Helen. Yes, I suppose I would. 

Dick. You — er — you — sort of hate yourself, don't you. 

Helen. This is no time for sarcasm please. You must 
go at once. I'll attend to Bridget. 

Dick. Just as you say. (Starts toward d. r. A sharp 
knock is heard d. c.) 

Helen. Quick! Someone is coming. 

Dick. I'm on my way. [EXIT d. r. Helen goes to 
d. c. and opens it) 

ENTER d. c. Chick O'Connor. He brushes by Helen 
and comes down c. Does not remove his cap. 

Chick. Where's Dick, I gotta see Dick right away. 

Helen. There is no one here by that name. 

Chick. Don't kid me lady. Didn't I hear Dick talkin'. 
Say, Dick and me is old pals and I'd know his voice in a 
bargain counter rush. 

Helen. But I tell you there is no one else here but 
myself. You have made a mistake. 

Chick. They told me, didn't they? (Cough is heard 
off r.) That's him. That's Dick. I gotta see him right 
away, get me? Just say it's Chick O'Connor; you don't 
need no card. 

Helen. But the next room has nothing to do with this 
one. That is another suite. 



10 The Conquest of Helen 

Chick. Another what? 
Helen. Another suite. 

Chick (understands her to say "Sweet"). Say on the 
level kid, I like your eyes. 

Helen (drawing away). What a strange man! 

ENTER d. c. Bridget with breakfast tray. 

Bridget (aside). Sure that must be the fellow she was 
tellin' me about. (Aside to Helen) Is that him ma'am? 

Chick. Say, ain't you gonna tell Dick I'm here? I 
gotta see him right away I tell you. 

Helen (walks l.). I have told you that I know nothing 
about Dick. Oh I shall go out of my mind. 

[EXIT d. l. Slams door. 

Chick. Gee, what a long tail our cat has. 

Bridget (aside). The poor darlint. She can't handle 
the two of 'em to once. 

Chick. When do I see Dick? 

Bridget. And who might Dick be? 

Chick. None of your guff now kid. Tell Dick I'm here. 
Chick O'Connor that's me. 

Bridget (aside). Oho, the plot thickens. (To Chick) 
So you know the other one? 

Chick. Stir your talk kid, it's lumpy, it's lumpy. What 
other one? 

Bridget. Sure, I'm meanin' him in there. 

Chick. Oh Dick. Sure I know Dick. Him and me is 
old pals. I used to train him when he was in college. 

Bridget. Train him! He ain't a monkey now is he? 

Chick. Put on your chains, you're skiddin', you're 
skiddin'. Hop to the jungle, you're wild, you're wild. 

Bridget. Did you ever hear the like of such talk in 
all your born days. Be you the one that wants to marry 
her? 

Chick. Nothin' doin' on the double harness stuff for 
me. Say, what are you tryin' to wish on me anyhow? 

Bridget. I know you all right, all right. That's just 
who you are. Well, I'm tellin' you it ain't no use; she's 
got one already. 

Chick. Got what already. 



The Conquest of Helen 11 

Bridget. A husband. She ran off and got married on 
the sly. She didn't tell me, but I seen him I did, and I 
don't blame her either with you comin' here and tryin' to 
make her marry you. 

Chick. Say, throw me an anchor somebody, I'm 
driftin', I'm driftin'. 

Bridget. So you'd better get right back to where you 
came from 'cause she won't have you. 

Chick (taking breath). Say, let's go back and figure this 
out all over again. Now I'm lookin' for Dick and they 
sent me up here. I hears him talkin' in here so I gives the 
door the double rat-rat 

ENTER d. r. Dick. 

Chick (running to him and seizing his hand). Dick me 
boy. They was tryin' to tell me you was out to lunch. 
I knew you was here, 'cause I heard you. 

Dick. Well, well Chick. Where on earth did you drop 
from? You've got the wrong place haven't you? The 
cafe is on the ground floor. 

Chick. No, I'm in right. I wanna see you Dick. I got 
a soft one in the third race 

Dick. Chick, are you still playing sure things? 

Chick. Sure thing! Why this is as good as wheat in 
the barn. I heard you was in town, so I looked you up 
right away. It's a beaut Dick — can't lose. 

Dick. Nothing doing, Chick. Absolutely nothing 
doing. You might as well pack your bag and beat it. 
I'm off the stuff for good and all. 

Chick. Say Dick, you ain't gone and got married have 
you? 

Dick. No, I'm not married 

Bridget (who has been an attentive listener). Not mar- 
ried! 

Dick (turns and sees her). Eh, what's that? 

Bridget. Oh nothing sir, I was just thinkin' out loud. 

Dick. Oh you're the maid, are you? Well come here 
Bridget. (Takes bill from pocket) Now see that you don't 
do any more thinking out loud and everything will be ex- 
plained to you in good time. (Gives her bill) 



12 The Conquest of Helen 

Bridget. Yes sir, thank you sir. Sure it's none of my 
business. [EXIT d. c. 

Dick. And now Chick, let's see you create a little stir 
in the atmosphere. (Points to door) Go on — blow. 

Chick. Aw for the love of Mike be reasonable, Dick, 
and lemme tip you off on this pony. 

Dick. I told you that I was not interested didn't I? 
Now get out before I bite you. 

Chick. Dick, this pony is a twenty to one shot and she 
can't lose. Why she could run backwards and beat the 
bunch they got her up against. It's so easy it's like takin' 
money from a baby. 

Dick. That's just the point. It would amount, in the 
last analysis, to stealing. 

Chick. Waddayamean stealing? Didn't I clock this 
bird myself last summer down at Belmont Park? 

Dick. No doubt you did. 

Chick. Well, it ain't up to me to tip off the bookies is it? 

Dick. Come here, Chick. (Chick does so) Sit down. 
Now I'm going to read you a lecture in ethics. 

Chick. In what? 

Dick. Well never mind, just listen. Now money you 
know is a means we have of expressing value. 

Chick. Ahuh. 

Dick. And value is created either by a service per- 
formed or by production. For instance, when you were 
head rubber under Tom Sheldon at college you were per- 
forming a service and entitled to a fair recompense. 

Chick. I got eighty a month. 

Dick. Very good. Now you've got the idea that money 
should be considered only as a reward for production or 
labor. 

Chick. Say, what's this got to do with my twenty to 
one shot? 

Dick. Wait a minute and you will see. Now when you 
talk of a twenty to one shot you mean that you are pre- 
pared to back your opinion of the relative speed of a horse 
against the concerted opinion of the book-makers. 

Chick. Snow some more, I don't get your drift. 

Dick. And when you do that you are rendering no 
service nor are you producing anything. In short you are 






The Conquest of Helen 13 

contributing nothing to the cause of humanity. If you 
win you come into possession of money to which you have 
no right, which you haven't earned or in other words, you 
are stealing it by a process within the law. 

Chick. Say Dick, you ain't sick or nothing are you? 

Dick. No, I feel first rate thank you. 

Chick. You ain't had brain fever, or 

Dick. You make me sick. Your head reminds me of a 
dollar bill — one bone. All that lecture gone to waste! 

Chick. But looka here Dick, you're missin' the chance 
of your life I tell you. 

Dick. Can't you understand English? Put up your 
sail and steer for the shore. 

Chick. Gee, I almost forgot the most important part 
of it. Remember Bud Lewis who usta play full-back? 

Dick. Remember Bud Lewis! Well I guess I do. 

Chick. Well turn on the weeps Dick and get out the 
sponge, I'm gonna shoot a sad tale. Bud's had hard luck. 
In the first place he got married. 

Dick. Bud married? 

Chick. Yes, and he's got a kid too. Well, Bud got a 
job as a news-hound on some paper here in New York and 
he was just scratchin' out enough to keep the wolf in the 
menagerie. One wet night he goes out to some big fire 
and gits soaked to the skin. He gotta bad cold, was sick 
for two months and lost his job. Now the doctor says it's 
either a trip to the West or the undertaker's for poor 
Bud. 

Dick. Great Scott, Chick, you don't mean it. 

Chick. It's tough Dick ain't it? I saw him the other 
night and believe me, the poor kid is down and out. He's 
too proud to make a touch, so little Chick says to hisself 
"I'll stake Bud to a ticket for him and the family if I 
bust." But how'm I gonna do it. Look! (Pulls out watch- 
chain on which there is no watch and twirls it around) Soaked 
away Dick. (Pulls out trouser pockets to show that they are 
empty) Empty! I ain't got a jitney. If autos was sellin' 
for a dollar I couldn't buy the echo of the horn. 

Dick. Here, I've got a hundred or so, take this! (Puts 
hand in pocket) 

Chick. What good is a hundred gonna do him? Figure 



14 The Conquest of Helen 

it out for yourself Dick. There's three of them and he 
needs some pin money after he gets there, don't he? 
Gimme that century spot Dick and I'll make enough to 
send the whole Salvation Army out West. 

Dick. So that's your game is it? You're a foxy little 
fellow, aren't you? 

Chick. Don't kid me now Dick. 

Dick. Is that true about Bud Lewis or were you 
just 

Chick. Hope to die if it ain't the truth. If you don't 
believe it I'll take you to him any time you say. Listen 
Dick, I clocked this pony down at Belmont last Spring and 
she did a mile in 1.39. Ooh she's a pippin. Why she runs 
so fast that when you stand behind her you see her heels 
so much you think she's lyin' down. You know her, or 
you know her mother. It's Bluebell's colt, King Richard 
is the sire. 

Dick (repeating in a dazed fashion). Bluebell — King 
Richard ! 

Chick. Yes and she can beat her whole family. 

Dick. If she can she must be a wonder. 

Chick. She is Dick, she is. They ain't never had the 
blanket off her yet but she comes out today down at 
Juarez in the mornin' races. Why, I near threw a fit when 
I sees that and me stranded without a penny. She'll go to 
the post at twenty to one. 

Dick. Don't tempt me I tell you, don't tempt me. 

Chick. For the love of Mike slip me the roll. Mc- 
Laughlin's pool-room is right next door and I can get a bet 
down in two minutes. 

Dick. What's her name? 

Chick. Helen of Troy. 

Dick. Helen! By Jove it's a hunch if there ever was 
one. (Takes Chick by lapels of his coat) Now listen to me. 
If that story you told me about Bud Lewis is a fake you'll 
sleep with a lily in your hand tonight. 

Chick. I tell you it's on the level Dick. After we clean 
up you can hand him the money yourself. 

Dick. Very well, I believe you and in this case the end 
will have to justify the means. Now you get your bet 
down and stick around in McLaughlin's for the results. 



The Conquest of Helen 15 

If you win take my share and give it to Bud Lewis but 
don't you dare mention my name. 

Chick. Nix on that, we go fifty-fifty on Bud's bit. 

Dick. Do as I tell you and don't talk back. Give him 
my share and keep your end for yourself. If you lose — 
well don't come back. 

Chick. We can't lose I told you didn't I? (Extends 
hand) Put it there Dick, I knew you had some sporting 
blood left in you even when you were pull in' that trick 
chin music about oothics. 

Dick. Oothics! 

ENTER d. l. Helen, unobserved by either Dick or Chick. 

Chick. Sure you know that stuff you was tellin' me. 

Dick (laughs). Oh you mean ethics. Here (Produces 
money) here's a hundred cold hard dollars earned by the 
sweat of my brow. Take them and put them on your old 
horse. I'll meet you down in the lobby when you get 
back. 

Chick. I'm on my way. (Starts for d. c.) 

Dick. Good-bye Chick, and remember if Helen doesn't 
do the trick it will look pretty dark for a certain young 
man. (Helen is puzzled) 

Chick. She'll do it Dick, don't you fret. 

Dick. Oh, by the way, I meant to tell you to save 
enough out of that hundred to buy a gun and in case your 
sure thing loses, stop off on the way back and blow your 
fool head off. 

Helen (aloud). Mercy! 

Dick. Oh I beg your pardon, I didn't know you were 
here. 

Helen. You surely weren't advising your friend to 
commit suicide. 

Dick. You're a trifle too literal I fear. (Smiles) 

Chick. Aw he was only kiddin' me. (Aside to Dick) 
Swell chicken that Dick! 

Dick. I was just suggesting a course of action to my 
friend here — by the way, allow me to present Mr. O'Con- 
nor (Aside to Chick) Take off your hat. (Chick does so) 
Chick this is Miss Sutherland. 



16 The Conquest of Helen 

Helen. How do you do Mr. O'Connor. 

Chick. Same to you. 

Dick. My friend Mr. O'Connor is an aviator. 

Helen. Oh how interesting. 

Dick. But as you observe he is not flying very fast 
just now. In fact he seems anchored. (Aside to Chick) 
Get out! 

Chick. What's the idea. 

Dick. Yes, Mr. O'Connor is up in the air most of the 
time and he generally takes his friends up with him. He's 
just had me up — in fact I haven't landed yet. I expect 
to get a severe jolt when I do. 

Helen. Oh dear, I'm afraid I don't understand. 

Dick. Well never mind. Chick is leaving now. (Chick 
does not move. Louder) I said Chick is leaving now. 

Chick. Oh yeah, I gotta beat it. 

Dick (very quickly). Well so long, Chick. 

Chick. So long folks, see you when I get back. (Starts 
towards d. c, but comes back and walks around a chair) 

Dick. What are you parading for, it isn't the 17th of 
March? 

Chick. That's for luck Dick. So long. 

[EXIT d. c. 

Helen (after door is closed) . Now that your friend has 
gone surely you won't lose any time in changing your room. 

Dick. Have no fear Miss Sutherland, I won't lose a 
minute. 

Helen. Thank you so much, I've been dreadfully wor- 
ried. 

Dick. You needn't worry, I've fixed the maid. 

Helen. Are you sure she won't talk? 

Dick. No, I'm not sure. She's a daughter of Eve, you 
know. 

Helen. Oh yes, I suppose it is over all the hotel by this 
time. 

Dick. Oh why look on the darkest side of it? 

ENTER d. c. Bridget, greatly excited. 

Bridget. He's comin' ma'am and I wanted to be after 
tellin' vou it wasn't me as told him. 



The Conquest of Helen 17 

Helen. Who is coming? 

Bridget. Mr. Smith the manager ma'am. He's awful 
mad but it wasn't me ma'am, I never told him a word. 
I didn't even see him. 

Dick. What does he want? 

Bridget. Sure I — er I — oh I don't know sir, but he's 
awful mad but I didn't breathe a word sir. Not a word. 

Helen. There you see? I told you so. It will ruin 
me. Oh what can a helpless woman do against odds like 
these? 

Dick (tenderly). Let me help you — I'd be only too 
glad. 

Helen. What can you do? 

Dick. A great deal more than you think. (Knock 
heard d. c.) 

Bridget. There he be now ma'am. 

Helen (to Dick). Oh go, please go! 

Dick. I'll go, but if you need me just say the word for 
I'll be right here and listening. [EXIT d. r. 

Bridget goes to d. c, opens it and admits Mr. Smith 

Smith (crisply). Good morning Miss Sutherland. 

Helen. Good morning, you wish to see me? 

Smith. I do. Miss Sutherland I have a rather delicate 
duty to perform. 

Helen. Yes? 

Smith. There are ugly rumors among the servants 
which have been brought to my attention. 

Bridget. It wasn't me as told him ma'am, I never said 
a word except to Lizzie McCarthy. 

Smith (sharply). You may go! 

Bridget. Yes sir. (Starts toward door, but being loathe 
to leave, is very slow in going out. Smith waits a short while 
then turns suddenly) 

Smith. I said you may go! 

Bridget (scurrying out). Yes sir, I've went sir. 

[EXIT d. c. 

Smith. Now Miss Sutherland, as I was saying, there 
have been some rumors and it is my painful duty to ask 
you for an explanation. 



18 The Conquest of Helen 

Helen (coldly). I know of nothing which calls for an 
explanation. 

Smith. You mean that you know nothing of the pres- 
ence in these rooms of a Mr. 

Helen (breaking in very quickly). Yes I do and I know 
that it was a stupid mistake of your clerks. It has caused 
me no end of annoyance and it is I who demand an ex- 
planation sir! 

Smith (suavely). Of course Miss Sutherland we are 
always willing to stand behind any mistake our clerks may 
make. Now what mistake do you mean? 

Helen. The mistake of putting that man in Miss 
Colby's room last night. 

Smith. Then you admit his presence there? 

Helen. Admit it! Of course I do. Is this a third 
degree to which I am being subjected? 

Smith. Not at all Miss Sutherland, but I am sure you 
will realize the urgent necessity of getting to the bottom 
of this matter and if I seem to question you unduly I am 
sorry. 

Helen. Very well, but you haven't yet told me why he 
was allowed to take that room. 

Smith. For the very good reason that as far as we 
know he was not allowed to take it. 

Helen. Then how did he get in there? 

Smith. How indeed? (Insinuatingly) 

Helen. You mean that you are sure he was not taken 
to that room by mistake? 

Smith. I certainly do. You remember that Miss 
Colby's room is connected to the room beyond by a door. 
Well it was to that next room he was taken. I might add 
that he was assigned to that room at his own request after 
he had inquired the location of your suite. 

Helen. What! (Smith nods silently). But that door 
to the next room was always kept locked. 

Smith. So we thought. 

Helen. Then how was it opened? 

Smith. That is for you to answer. 

Helen (quickly) . You mean you think I 

Smith. I mean that you must explain this occurrence 
to our satisfaction or leave the hotel. 



The Conquest of Helen 19 

Helen (sinking into chair and covering her face with her 
hands). Oh how can you! 

ENTER d. r. Dick. He closes door behind him and stands 
regarding Smith with a menacing stare. 

Dick. Out West where I come from they shoot a man 
for less than that. 

Smith. Oh you are still here? 

Dick. Yes and I'm going to stay here, you impertinent 
cad! 

Smith (brusquely). I'm sorry if my methods displease 
you. We are not out West now you know. We are in New 
York and you are dealing with a New York man. 

Dick. You call yourself a man? Why you — well never 
mind but you can thank the presence of this lady for the 
fact that you will leave here with a whole skin. 

Smith. Really my dear sir, your threats are quite out of 
place. 

Dick. You listen to me and don't you let a word of this 
get by. Miss Sutherland and myself were married last 
night! 

Smith. Married! (Helen is astonished) 

Dick. Yes, but for reasons of our own, that fact must 
not be made public for the present. And now you will 
have to answer to me for the insults to which my wife has 
been subjected. 

Smith. Oh I hope you will pardon 

Dick. And if by the way you want me to prove my 
assertion 

Smith. Oh no I am quite satisfied I assure you. 

Dick. Well that's more than I am. Why I have half a 
mind to (Makes a suggestive movement toward his hip pocket 
and calmly produces handkerchief which he brushes across 
his lips. Smith cowers before him) call up my lawyers this 
minute. 

Smith. Oh I wouldn't do that sir. 

Dick. You run back to your office and get down on 
your knees and pray the good Lord please that we won't 
sue you for slander. 

Smith. Oh I hope not sir. If a written apology will 
help we'll be only too glad to 



20 The Conquest of Helen 

Dick. Oh get out of here, your face makes me mad. 
(Smith turns quickly and EXIT d. c. Dick looking after 
him) . The good old American game of bluff. 

Helen (rapturously). Oh you were splendid, I don't 
know what I should have done without you. 

Dick. Well I got you into it and the least I can do is to 
help you out of it. 

Helen (to audience). I almost wish it were true. (To 
Dick) But you have told him a falsehood, and he will soon 
find out that he has been deceived. 

Dick (goes to her). Before he gets up enough courage 
to investigate and find out — it will be true. 

Helen. What! 

Dick. Please don't be alarmed, I know I am taking a 
lot for granted. 

Helen (to audience). Isn't he fine and manly? (To 
Dick) But I don't even know who you are. Don't you 
think it rather out of place to suggest marriage to me? 

Dick. Will you let me tell you a story — a true story? 
You will know a good deal more when I have finished. 

Helen. Very well, what is it? 

Dick. Once upon a time 

Helen. But you are beginning like a fairy story. 

Dick. Well it is a fairy story — my fairy story — but 
true nevertheless. 

Helen. Go on. 

Dick. Once upon a time there was a fellow who lived 
way out West and let's call him Dick. Now one of Dick's 
best friends was an old gentleman whom we shall call — 
just plain Daddy. That was the name by which Dick 
knew him. When Dick was a kid Daddy used to ride him 
on his knee and was just like Dick's father would have 
been had he lived. When Dick grew up and went to 
college it was Daddy who taught him the difference be- 
tween a real college education and a four year course in 
cheer leading. When Dick came home it was Daddy who 
set him up in business and showed him the way to go, in 
short they were boon companions. Daddy was never 
Dick's legal guardian but he was everything but that. 
Now Daddy had a niece — a girl who was the least bit — er — ■ 
high minded and — er — 



The Conquest of Helen 21 

Helen. Uppish? 

Dick. Uppish, that is the very word. 

Helen. Yes, go on. 

Dick. And this niece was a — singer. 

Helen. A singer? (She is beginning to understand and 
is ill at ease) 

Dick. Yes and she and Daddy didn't quite pull to- 
gether especially after the niece became entirely engrossed 
in her career. Daddy was very much opposed to her pro- 
fessional activities and so they drifted apart. There came 
a time, however, when the niece was to sing in the very 
Western city where Daddy and Dick lived and although 
Daddy wouldn't admit it he was really very fond of his 
talented niece. So he and Dick went to hear her sing. It 
was a great day in Dick's life and he retains only a hazy 
recollection of the minor details. All he can remember is a 
hall crowded with people and then a beautiful fairy 
princess who was wafted out before his eyes on a zephyr 
of music. She sang and oh, it was heavenly. It seemed as 
though she was a creature from another and more beautiful 
world. Then the people all began to clap and suddenly 
Dick realized that she wasn't a fairy at all but a real live 
girl of flesh and blood just within reach of his 

ENTER d. c. Chick hurriedly. 

Chick. Hey Dick we won, we won. Mitt me kid, mitt 
me! 

Dick (disgusted, takes him by collar and leads him for- 
cibly to d. a). Stay out there until you cool off. Don't 
come in here again or I'll use the fire extinguisher on you. 

Chick. But Dick we won I tell you. Can'tcha hear 
me? 

Dick. Get out! (Pushes him out d. c, and closes door) 

Chick (putting his head in). Hey Dick what's the idea? 
(Dick picks up book and throws it at him. Chick dodges 
and closes door) 

Dick (to Helen). Need I say more? 

Helen (grimly). No, I think I see it all. 

Dick. You are the fairy princess and I am Dick — 
Dick Carroll. I begged, I pleaded with your uncle to let 



22 The Conquest of Helen 

me meet you but he refused — said you would never even 
consider me until you had tired of your career and he was 
in hopes that he could get you to give that up first. 

Chick (opening door). Hey Dick I'm cool now. 

Dick (reaching for another book) . Say if you don't get 
out and stay out — (Chick quickly withdraws and closes 
door. To Helen) Finally after nearly three months he 
saw I was in earnest and not to be denied. We were just 
about to start East to you when he was taken sick. You 
know the rest. He left that provision in his will without 
my knowledge, thinking that it would help matters, I sup- 
pose. Don't you see? 

Helen. Yes, I see. I see that it is all a plot of yours to 
get your share of the estate. How do I know your story is 
true? How do I know it isn't just a part of your plot? 

Dick. But it isn't. I don't want the money, I want 
you. 

Helen. Then why did you seek to compromise me by 
forcing your way into my rooms? And why did you say 
to your friend that it would go pretty badly with you if I 
refused to marry you? 

Dick. Why, I never said that. 

Helen. Yes you did, I heard you myself. 

ENTER d. c. Chick. 

Chick. Don't put me out Dick, don't do it. I gotta 
show you this roll before it strangles me. Look at it, look 
at it! (Displays roll of money) Two thousand Dick, and all 
done on a century spot. Dick, it's the softest thing I ever 
played. Here's your hundred. (Hands him bill) 

Helen. Aha, you've been betting, have you. 

Chick. Gee whiz, Dick, it sounds like you was married. 

Helen. I suppose you know of the clause in the will in 
reference to gambling. 

Dick. That doesn't mean what you think it does. 

Helen. Just the same the tables are turned. You 
thought to scare me into marrying you did you? Well I 
shan't do it and what's more, I shall see that you don't 
touch a penny of my uncle's money. 

Dick. I don't care a hang about the money I told you. 



The Conquest of Helen 23 

Helen. Oh no. (Mockingly quotes him) " Remember 
if Helen doesn't do the trick it will look pretty dark for a 
certain young man." What about that sir? 

Dick. I can explain all that if you will only listen. 

Helen. No thank you I've had quite enough of your 
explanations. 

Chick. What's the row Dick, give us an earful. 

Dick. I admit it looks pretty bad for me but if you will 
only give me a chance I can explain everything. 

Helen. No doubt you are good at explanations, but I 
don't intend to listen to you. 

Chick. Gee, she's mad, ain't she? 

Helen. Yes I am and you had better get out of here 
this instant before I call the police. 

Chick. Say now looka here, the cops ain't got nothin' 
on yours truly. 

Dick (taking him by the arm). Come Chick let's go. 

Chick. Not on your life, I'm just gettin' wise to the lay 
of the land. It's about the bet, ain't it Dick? 

Dick. That's a small part of it, yes. 

Chick. Gee I'm sorry Dick. 

Dick. Never mind Chick you meant well. 

Chick. I'm so mad at myself I'd bite my fingers off if I 
wasn't afraid of gettin' the hydrophoby. 

Dick (to Helen) . Perhaps at another time you will see 
fit to let me explain. 

Helen. You can do your explaining to the manager 
and so clear my name. If you don't you will have the 
police to deal with. 

Chick. Now she's callin' out the reserves. 

Dick. Then you are determined not to listen to me? 

Helen. I certainly am. 

Dick (quietly). Come on Chick. (Starts for d. c.) 

Chick. No siree. I got you into this and I'm gonna get 
you out. You just wait outside for me. 

Dick. Come on, it's no use. 

Chick. Well I'm gonna take a chance. You beat it. 

[EXIT Dick, d. c. 

Chick. Say you oughtn't hand Dick a deal like that. 
Shuffle 'em over again and give him a new deal. 

Helen. So you are fighting his battles for him are you? 



24 The Conquest of Helen 

Chick. I know I ain't got no license to butt into this, 
but Dick's an old pal of mine and I hate to see you treat 
him like that. Besides it was all my fault he made that 
bet. 

Helen. That doesn't interest me. 

Chick. Yes it does and I'm gonna do my explainin' 
right here. When I tipped Dick off on this pony he 
couldn't see it with a telescope and told me to brush by. I 
wouldn't do it though, and I stuck around. But he 
couldn't see this thing no how until I told him about one 
of the boys from college who was down and out and 
needed a few dollars to help him take himself and the 
family out West where he will have a chance. Every 
penny Dick won goes to Bud Lewis, every penny of Dick's 
thousand. 

Helen. That is nothing to me, and besides how do I 
know you are telling the truth? 

Chick. I am, honest to goodness. Give me a chance 
and I'll prove it to you. 

Helen. But why did he tell you that it would be bad 
for him if I refused to marry him? 

Chick. Not me. He never said that to me. 

Helen. Why, I heard him tell you that in this very 
room, just before you left. 

Chick. Can't be lady ; I got on the same ears I had then, 
and I tell you I didn't hear him say that. 

Helen. Why do you persist in telling me that black is 
white? I guess I can understand English. 

Chick (suddenly). Say, is your name Helen? (Helen 
nods "yes") Now I gotcha. He was talkin' about this 
pony. Helen of Troy is the horse that turned this trick. 
(Slaps pocket) He meant it would look bad for me cause I 
made him put up the hundred. 

Helen. You are sure of that? 

Chick. Sure of it? Say you don't wanna believe 
nothin' do you? Do me a favor and put on your hat and 
come with me, will you? 

Helen. Where? 

Chick. Down to McLaughlin's. It's right next door. 
Ask them what horse Chick O'Connor cleaned up on. 

Helen. No thank you, I believe you now. 



The Conquest of Helen 25 

Chick. Take it from me lady, he ain't after your 
money.' Dick don't need money, and if he did, he ain't 
the kind to take it from a lady. 

Helen. But you don't seem to understand. Mr. Car- 
roll is to inherit half of my uncle's estate on the condition 
that he marries me. 

Chick. Whew! So that's the game is it! Well, believe 
me, Dick is one grand little fellow and you want to think 
twice before you give him the go-bye. 

Helen. But he forced his way into my rooms and then 
tried to take advantage of his presence here to make me 
marry him. 

Chick. Well now you got me out where I don't know 
the streets, but take it from me, if you're trying to tack 
any shady trick on Dick you're way off. Dick wouldn't 
pull anything that wasn't right. I knew him for four years 
at college when I was on the trainin' squad, and he's the 
squarest guy I ever met. 

Helen (to audience) . Oh dear I don't know whether to 
believe him or not. 

Chick. He was popular at college too and say, the girls 
used to play him strong, but he never fell for them. After 
the big game in 1912 he had to wear his hat whenever he 
went to a dance. 

Helen. Wear his hat? 

Chick. Sure, the girls all wanted a lock of his hair and 
he would have been bald in five minutes if they ever got 
him. That's how popular he was. And say, lemme tell 
you, you don't hate Dick near so much as you think you 
do. Nobody never pinned a medal on me for a fortune 
teller but I know that when a girl pans a fellow like you 
did, when somebody else is around, it means that she 
would be just the opposite if she was alone with him. 

Helen. Well perhaps I was a bit hasty, but I fail to see 
how he can explain coming into my rooms. 

ENTER d. c. Bridget. 

Bridget. I wanted to be after tellin' you ma'am about 
me leavin' the dure open. 
Helen. What door? 



26 The Conquest of Helen 

Bridget. The door in Miss Colby's room ma'am. I 
was after goin' out that way yesterday ma'am and* I just 
remembered I didn't lock the door and I thought as how 
maybe the gentleman came in that way. 

Chick. Didn't I tell you, didn't I tell you? (To 
Beidget) You're all right kid, you're there. 

Helen. I hardly know what to think or what to believe. 

Chick. Well let me call Dick back and he can tell you 
the answer. 

Helen. Oh I couldn't, after all I've said. 

Chick. Go on now, let me call him back or I'll — I'll 
tear up the carpet, (goes to d. c, opens it and looks out) 
There he is standing out there waiting for one of the 
elevators to fall on him. (Calls) Hey Dick, she says come 
on back, she's gonna give you a new deal. 

Helen. No — no I didn't. 

ENTER d. c. Dick, and stands just inside door. 

Chick (to Bridget). Say, do you ever go to the movies, 
kid? 

Bridget. I do when I'm took. 

Chick. Well come on, I'll "took" you. 

[EXIT d. c. with Bridget 

Dick (quietly). You sent for me? 

Helen. I thought that after all it was only fair to give 
you a chance to explain. 

Dick. I knew you would. 

Helen. Why did you ask to be put in the room next to 
mine and how did you get in there? (Points r.) 

Dick. I didn't ask for the room next to yours, I merely 
asked to be put on this floor. I wanted to be near you. 
As I was strolling through the lobby last night I met an 
old friend I hadn't seen in years and we came up to my 
room and talked over old times till three o'clock this morn- 
ing. It was too late for my friend to go home so I 'phoned 
the clerk that he would stay all night and that I would use 
the next room, the door of which was wide open. He used 
my room and I came in there (Points r.) 

Helen. Bridget left the door open. 

Dick. This morning as I was dressing, I heard you tell 



The Conquest of Helen 27 

the maid about me and when you said that you would re- 
fuse to see me I determined to use a little strategy, and — I 
did. 

Helen. But the gambling? 

Dick. That's easy. When your uncle was a young man 
and after he had accumulated a fair sized fortune, he lost it 
all gambling in Wall Street. He went West, made a new 
start and was successful, as you know, but he never got 
over that Wall Street experience. The mere mention of 
gambling would cause him to rave. I have never gambled 
to any extent but once or twice at college I did indulge a 
bit. He heard of it and I don't think he ever forgave me. 
Hence the clause in the will. 

Helen {after a pause) . And was my singing really what 
you said it was? 

Dick. It was heavenly and more. There's only one 
thing I like more than your voice. 

Helen. And that? 

Dick. Is you. (He attempts to take her in his arms but 
she eludes him) 

Dick (taking ring from pocket) . Will you take this now 
or — or later? 

Helen. Then you are sure that I will take it? 

Dick. Well you will, won't you? 

ENTER d. c. Chick and Bridget. 

Chick. Don't blame me Dick, it ain't my fault. 
(Points to Bridget) She wouldn't leave till she found out 
how you made out. Is it all right now? 

Dick. It would have been if you hadn't butted in. 

Chick. Good for you. Did you hear that, Bridget 
Murphy? Say Dick I've been doin' a little fixin' on my 
own hook, I have. Ain't I Bridget? 

Bridget (shyly). Ye have that. 

Chick. Bridget says she'd be just tickled foolish to have 
a steady with a thousand dollars in the bank. 

Dick. Chick you don't mean to say that you are going 
to put that money in the bank. 

Chick. Surest thing you know Dick. Ain't I Bridget? 

Bridget. Indade yer are. 



28 The Conquest of Helen 

Chick. Yes sir I'm off the ponies for good and all. I'm 
going to find a bank with an honest faced cashier who loves 
his mother, and salt this roll away. (Slaps pocket) There 
it is, you can't hear it rattle but it's there. 

Dick. Buy a Flivver if you want to hear it rattle. 

Chick. No sir, that'll be for furniture, won't it Bridget? 

Bridget. This is so suddint like I hardly know what to 
say. 

Chick. She's all right cause her name is Murphy. 
Never knew anybody by that name who wasn't O. K. 

Dick. Well Chick, I hope you will prove a very steady 
steady, and good luck to you both. 

Chick. Same to you Dick and many of them — you 
know. Give us an invite to the weddin'. We want to be in 
at the finish, don't we Bridget? 

Bridget. Ssh. I ain't got a dress what's good enough. 

Chick. Well ain't I got the thousand? Come on. This 
ain't no place for us. (Starts toward d. c.) 

Dick. So-long Chick. 

Helen. Good-bye Mr. Chick. 

Chick. So long folks. Don't forget that invite. 

[EXIT d. c. with Bridget. 

Dick, (follows them to door and after carefully closing 
it returns to Helen and stands beside her for an instant in 
an undecided manner) . Seems to be catching, don't you 
think? 

Helen. Yes. 

Dick (proffering ring). And if you'll take this ring I 
know something else that will be catching. 

Helen. What? 

Dick (clasping her in his arms) . My arms. 

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GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2^ hours 5 

IN THE ABSENCE OP SUSAN. 3 Acts; \\& hours 4 

JAIL BIRD. 5 Acts; 2J^ hours 6 

JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4 Acts; 2 hours 7 

MY LADY DARRELL. 4Acts; 2^hours 9 

MY UNCLE PROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2ft hours 13 

NEXT DOOR. 3Acts;2hours 6 

PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. 8 Acts; 2 hours 6 

REGULAR FLIRT. 8Acts;2hours 4 

ROGUE'S LUCK. 3 Acts; 2 hours 5 

SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 6 Acts; fyb hours 6 

STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2 M hours 5 

WHAT'S NEXT? 3 Acts; 2J< hours 7 

WHITE LIE. 4Acts; 2V$houre 4 



WESTERN PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

ROCKY FORD. 4Acts; 2hours....... 8 3 

GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 2*4 hours 11 3 

RED ROSETTE. 3 Acts; 2 hours.... 6 3 

MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2V6 hours.... 5 8 

STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 

CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2^ hours. 9 3 



DICK & FITZGERALD, Publisher., 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 



